What to Do When Something Feels Off With Your Therapist
When the Vibe’s Off — And When It’s Something More.
So far, I’ve covered the value of an initial consultation and offered some suggestions on how to go about it, and in a companion blog post, we talked about questions you might consider asking during that initial consultation.
It’s worth noting here, before we go any farther, that as valuable as an initial consultation can be, mismatches in therapy don’t always show up in the consultation. Instead, it might come up three sessions in or three months in, when something about the therapeutic relationship doesn’t sit right.
Not every course of therapy goes smoothly from the first session to the last. And, frankly, it doesn’t need to. Therapy’s a process, and it’s rarely smooth, for any number of reasons.
But every so often, real issues in the therapeutic relationship rear up, and they’re worth discussing here so you know what this might look like and how to address it.
Perhaps the most common issues that come up are due to a mismatch in personality or communication style that’s nobody’s fault; it just doesn’t work for you. Sometimes, it might be a small or even a big moment of friction that’s actually a sign therapy is headed in the right direction, going somewhere real.
Other times, and just as commonly, the issue is transference. Transference, broadly, is when feelings and reactions you originally had about someone else in your life, often a parent or another important figure from childhood, get projected onto your therapist without your fully realizing it.
In the real world of therapy, this might be, for example, that you don’t want to work with a male therapist, or your therapist reminds you of someone from your past who’s part of the reason you’re in therapy in the first place.
In other cases, less common but no less real and far more concerning, the issue in the therapeutic relationship can be a boundary crossing or something that raises serious ethical or even legal concerns.
Whatever the source, if it’s creating discomfort or an atmosphere that gets in the way of your full participation and the best possible outcome for you, it’s real and is worth taking seriously.
A Closer Look at What “Discomfort” Can Actually Mean
When defining discomfort in the therapeutic relationship, it helps to hold these three categories loosely in your mind, because they call for different responses.
Transference is when feelings from another relationship in your life get projected onto your therapist. It’s one of the oldest, most well-documented phenomena in the field, and it isn’t a flaw in you or in the therapy; it’s often exactly the kind of material that makes therapy work. A good therapist is trained to recognize it and can help you look at it directly rather than avoid it.
A personality or style mismatch is different. It’s not about old wounds resurfacing; it’s simply two people who don’t communicate well together. A therapist can be excellent, ethical, and well-trained, and still not be the right fit for you personally, the same way a great mechanic isn’t necessarily the right mechanic for you if you don’t like how they explain things.
A boundary crossing or ethical concern is different still, and it’s the one that shouldn’t be minimized or explained away. This is where the discomfort isn’t about you working through something or a stylistic clash; it’s about the therapist doing something they shouldn’t.
You don’t need to diagnose which of these you’re dealing with before you act. But knowing the categories exist can help you figure out where to start.
If it’s a fit issue, you have real options, and none of them require you to just disappear.
You can raise it directly with your therapist. This might lead to a conversation that resolves it, or it might lead you to decide to end the therapeutic relationship, which is always your right, at any point, for any reason. If ending things directly with your therapist doesn’t feel comfortable, many agencies and group practices have someone else you can speak with about a transfer to a different clinician. A good therapist and a good practice will take that feedback seriously and compassionately and will offer referrals to help you land somewhere that’s a better fit, so your care continues rather than stalls out.
I discourage just leaving therapy altogether and not going back. Your care matters, and a therapist not being the right fit for you isn’t your fault; it’s a normal, fairly common situation, and it has real solutions beyond walking away with no plan for what comes next.
Sometimes discomfort comes from a therapist doing their job well.
A good therapist will occasionally say something meant authentically and in good faith to challenge you…and it might not sit right with you in the moment. It might even upset you. If you feel safe doing so, I encourage you to bring that directly into session. It can be as simple as: “When you said [this] last session, I didn’t appreciate that.” That’s a healthy conversation to have, and how your therapist responds to it will tell you something important.
Sometimes it’s more than that.
Maybe a therapist said something that felt outright rude, not just challenging. Whether you address that directly with them, raise it with a supervisor, or move straight to a formal complaint is up to you, and it depends on what was actually said and how serious it was. It’s worth being aware that any of us can subjectively interpret and internalize things differently. That’s just being a thoughtful person, not a reason to doubt yourself. But awareness of that doesn’t mean you have to talk yourself out of real concern. The call is still yours to make.
And then there are the situations that go beyond fit entirely.
Boundary violations. Issues that lead to a therapist’s license being sanctioned, suspended, or revoked. Situations that cross into actual legal territory. These aren’t “is this the right therapist for me?” questions anymore. They’re ethical and, in some cases, legal ones, and they’re what the licensing complaint process below exists for.
Know that you have a right to file a complaint with your therapist’s licensing board.
I’m located in Wisconsin, so I’ll speak directly about Wisconsin first, but I’ll also give general guidance for readers who don’t live here.
In Wisconsin, licensed therapists (LPCs, LCSWs, LMFTs, and psychologists) are regulated through the Department of Safety and Professional Services (DSPS). DSPS has a formal complaint process, searchable on their website, and complaints are taken seriously. They can result in anything from a warning to a license suspension or revocation, depending on severity.
If you’re outside Wisconsin, the same structure exists almost everywhere. You’ll just have a different agency name. Every state has a licensing body that oversees mental health professionals, and every one of them has a complaint process, usually searchable on the board’s website under something like “file a complaint” or “consumer complaint.” A quick search for “[your state] + counseling licensing board complaint” will get you to the right place.
The Bottom Line
You don’t have to just live with discomfort in therapy, and you don’t have to blow up the relationship to address it either. In the vastness between “say nothing and hope it passes” and “file a formal complaint” is a whole range of reasonable responses, and most situations call for something in the middle: a direct conversation, a request for a referral, or simply deciding this isn’t the right fit and looking elsewhere.
Trust what the relationship actually feels like over time, not just in any single moment. And if something is nagging at you, don’t talk yourself out of it just because you can’t immediately put it into the right category. That instinct is worth listening to either way.
Jason L. Fairweather, M.A., LPC, CSAC, ICS
Jason L. Fairweather is a nationally board-certified psychotherapist and clinical substance abuse counselor, licensed in Wisconsin. Before pursuing formal education and licensure as a clinical therapist, he served in the United States Marine Corps for eight years and as a sex offender agent and in correctional forensics for over eighteen years.
He lives and works in Wisconsin, where he spends his time with his wife and their roommate, Mazie, a red-nosed pitbull who’s so intelligent they swear she trains them. When he’s not working, Jason’s typically spending time with his wife and their dog, reading, writing, or working on apps like the bilateral stimulation tool on this site.
Jason’s a published author and an active member of the American Mental Health Counselors Association (AMHCA), the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD), and the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ISTSS).